Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Silly blue tricycle
bends in the rain
where a girl has fallen.

Muddled screams
and washed away tears
follow a trail of blood.

------- (edit) -------

Silly blue tricycle
bends in the rain
and a girl falls.

Muddled screams
and tears awash
a trail of blood

8 comments:

S. Thomas Summers said...

ouch!!! first stanza is wonderfu. tangiblke, clear, and simple.

glad you're back.

S. Thomas Summers said...

i mean wonderful. and tangible. sorry.

susan said...

L1 and L2 are a brilliant image.

rch said...

Hi Brian, nice to read you again. Hope all is well. I definitely like the edit better, great imagery as usual. Take care,

Bob

ozymandiaz said...

Yup, #2... good stuff
Bummer about the little accident, though

scribblingsandsketches said...

Captures that moment perfectly. I just hope the incident described is not the reason why you have been absent for so long....(not that I'm prying or anything).

#2 is indeed sharper. How about 'muddied' instead of 'muddled'?

Ario

Anubhav Kushwaha said...

Sharp... and an interesting writing style... Will revisit to read in more detail

janetleigh said...

#2 is my choice (minus the "s" in L3 "girls" ?)
Again, you use an economy of words to say much, and the images are keen.
So good to see you've returned. Missed you, Brian..:)